There Are No Words For This

Lying in the darkness of my room, I think of you and Jakarta. There is always solitude in darkness.

When I landed at the airport, I was filled with apprehensions. What if you don’t find me in this sea of these people?

I always have this fear to be lost and people don't even realize that I am.

But when I saw you waiting for me and when you wrapped me into you, my relief was vanished completely into the invisible footsteps behind. I like being found.

I like your room. I especially loved the corner, the window where I could standing behind and look out the sky. The automatic spray with natural fragrance, it made me feel we were in my room at Pontianak.

I sleep best when I sleep with my face in your pillow, seen you right beside me. Sometimes, my face in the curve of your neck... there were no nightmares and dream was a kiss away.

Do you remember how often we would turn off the alarm and go back to sleep?...

the alarm would be the signal for us if we were at the far ends of the bed, to come closer to each other, find comfortable nooks and curve that hold and contain. Wrapping kissed bodies around each other we would go back to sleep.

Jakarta. I think I've fallen in love with the place. Or maybe with you - all over again. I have fallen in love with someone. I have fallen out too! But with you I've always come back to fall in love again.

Tomang. the 4th floors 301 is the best place in the whole world. When you let me in and just stayed with you. Just Us. And when you sat down or lied down your head in my lap and I ran my fingers through your closely cropped hair. Your hair felt softer by the way.

I couldn't help but wondered. Is this  what lovers do ?

apart from writing love letters, long hours on the phone and furtive gropes in the dark cinema theaters? Anyway, we weren't lovers like that.

We were... Wait a second, Let me define this carefully. I have be precise when it is about us. No erorrs.

We were lovers who made no promises. We never talk of remember-whens and what-ifs.

We were lovers who laughed and talk about random things.

We were lover with a lot of differences.... in distance, in faith and ...............

i am happier than I ever was. Or if I was, I cannot remember when.

But I am sad too. Like the time when I entwined my fingers through yours and squeezed your palm at the movie theater... I pretend not to see your question look. Sadness sits on me at the most unexpected times.

when the time came for me to leaved and you asked me not to be sad, for we would meet again, that's the closest to a tomorrow and a promise we would have came.

4 days. It seems like a minutes now. In that minute, everything has changed. I think I have left a part of me behind somewhere out there.

~