Alpheratz.. is that you ?

Tersenyum sendiri saat ingat permintaan nya dari beberapa hari lalu. Ia minta aku membuat sebuah postingan tentang diri nya... antara kaget sekaligus bingung dan merasa lucu, karena jujur saja baru kali ini ada seseorang yang terang-terangan meminta dirinya dijadikan objek tulisan. 

Tersanjung juga rasa nya karena ia sendiri yang meminta nya.. yaa dia, My Alpheratz ^^

Aku tak bisa menjanjikan akan menulis apa tentang diri nya, tapi menjadikan dia objek postingan adalah sesuatu yang menyenangkan. Entah apa pun nantinya kisah kami...

 

Dia. Sosok yang tak pernah ku duga sekali pun sebelum nya, bahkan terlintas pun tidak sama sekali.

Ramadan dan dia adalah dua hal yang membahagiakan ku, setelah semua kisah lalu. Subhanaullah...

Saat aku menulis ini, playlist hp memutar lagu yang sangat bagus, dan membuat postingan pertama setelah jeda lama tak (bisa) menulis sama sekali, mengalir begitu saja. 

Setiap Manusia punya rasa cinta,

Yang mesti dijaga kesuciannya,

Namun ada kala insan tak berdaya,

Saat dusta mampir bertahta....

When I found him my heart skipped a beat. 

Pertama kali setelah satu dekade lebih tak pernah bertemu, aku rasakan jantung ini berdegub seperti belum pernah merasakan sensasi seperti ini sebelum nya. Seperti darah dari seluruh tubuh, semua bermuara di kepala. 

Jika saja malam itu aku tidak memulas blush-on di pipi ku mungkin dia bisa dengan mudah menebak siapa yang berhasil membuat wajah ini memerah... salah tingkah dan merasa tak mampu merangkai kata lebih dari sekedar sapaan “Hai...”

Ku inginkan dia yang punya setia

Yang mampu menjaga kemurniannya

Saat ku tak ada ku jauh darinya

Amanahpun jadi penjaganya

Seseorang yang 10 tahun lalu pernah tanpa disengaja melintas di kehidupan ku, tanpa basa basi dan tanpa alasan, pengacuh-an ku pun membuat aku dan dia tidak pernah sekali pun menjalin silaturahim, bahkan saling menyapa pun tidak...

Hatimu tempat berlindungku dari kejahatan syahwatku

Tuhanku merestui itu dijadikan engkau istriku

Engkaulah....

Bidadari surgaku

Yaaa Allah... bagus sekali lirik lagu ini, membuat mataku berkaca kaca mendengar suara Uje menyenandungkan nya, dan yang terlintas dipikiran ku saat ini adalah sosok itu, dia.

Tiada yang memahami segala kekuranganku

Kecuali kamu, bidadariku

Maafkanlah aku dengan kebodohanku

Yang tak bisa membimbing dirimu

Teringat kini, kami semakin dekat. Mulai saling mengenal, memahami dan memaklumi segala kekurangan diantara kami. Menikmati alunan rindu yang mulai merasuki jiwa. Merasakan tumbuhnya rasa yang diciptakan NYA diantara kami... aku sangat bersyukur Sang Maha Pengasih masih berkenan membuat hati ku kembali tersentuh dan merasakan karunia ini (lagi)... dan terlebih bersyukur karena dia lah orang nya.

Hatimu tempat berlindungku dari kejahatan syahwatku

Tuhanku merestui itu dijadikan engkau istriku

Engkaulah....

Bidadari surgaku

Aku percaya, dan sangat meyakini..

Waktu-NYA selalu tepat. Mungkin saat ini lah, bukan 10 tahun lalu. Mungkin jika dulu ia hadir saat aku masih terlalu muda. Imanku yang lemah akan semakin melemah. Aku tau masih panjang waktu dan masih meraba masa depan dan masih terlalu awal menuliskan ini, tapi biarlah semoga menjadi bagian dari ikhtiar ku.

Mungkin saat ini lah menurut NYA waktu terbaik dipertemukan nya aku dan dia kembali. I know publishing our story, would be too private. But, this is my way to cherish him.

Rabbana Hablana Min azwajinaa

Wadhurri yatinaa Qurrata'ayun Wajalnaa

lil muttaimamaa..

imamaa..imamaa...imamaaa

Bidadari surgaku

 

Maka ijinkan lah aku wahai calon pangeran surgaku, untuk menyempurnakan keimanan agar ridho NYA bisa kita raih. Maka biarkanlah aku, wahai pejuang dan kekasih NYA, untuk menyempurnakan ketaatanku agar pantas mendampingimu.

Dini~

Thank You, ALLAH

Thank you, ALLAH, for giving me another year of life.

Thank you for all the experience of this past year;

for times of success which will always be happy memories,

for times of failure which reminded me of my own weakness and of my need for YOU,

for times of joy when the sun was shining,
for times of sadness which drove me to YOU.

Alhamdulillah~

Repost Repeatedly

“You..!” I shouted his name. Shockingly.

“Hey…” he looked equally puzzled.

A man approached. A man I had known so well. Too well, that I could notice him even only from behind, in the crowd.
I laughed. Laughed on myself.

“How are you doing?” he smiled, his eyes broaden that I could even see his contractile aperture in the center of his eyes.

“Oh, would you please come up with a less complicated question?” I rolled my eyes.
“So, you’re here…”

“And, so are you..”

“Do you miss me?” Stupid question. I regretted it even before finished saying it.

He paused.

“Do you love him?” He asked me.

(“I love you..”) my answer remained in my throat.

“He loves me..” I shrugged off.

“Do you miss me?” Double stupid! I compounded my stupidity. Hail me! The queen of ignorance.

O mouth, could you just obey what the brain told you! I condemned myself in silence.

“C’mon.. let’s just not talk about it..” He hesitated.

“Why is it so forsaking hard for you to say No? It’s a yes or no question. How goddamn hard is it?!” I raged.

He sighed. Surely, no answer.

“I take it as a No.” I was proud of myself. For in the end, being smart after performing series of ridicules.

I could never figured out, why God rolled the dice randomly. Was it a sign? Did I have somewhat unfinished business with him? Or He simply wanted to see whether I had moved on, or not.

Truth... Hurt...

If it's the truth, then why did it hurt? Because it's not what you want to hear.
Then, many people prefer lies because it's more pleasant to hear?

Well, I can't read your thoughts. Only your words (actions and gestures). So I fill in the holes with my fears, hopes and prejudices.

... And the truth is.. I miss you....so.

I'm not lying,

Hurt.

Me VS My Ego

 

We hurt each other even in silent. We don’t need to say the words, our eyes were filled with pain already. Maybe it was love. Maybe it was lust. And maybe what hurt the most was the high expectation. The way we hurt each other just to show how we loved each other was tiring, wasn’t it? Memories fade as time goes by or gone, just like that, with no trace. But we always remember how it hurt. I hurt you. You hurt me more. Then we said goodbye when all we wanted to say was ‘forgive me’.The ego has landed.

Sometimes, many times late at night, these thoughts crossed my mind, that our love was like the burning cigarette. It didn’t last that long, and filled with poison. I’m addicted to it. And when I said I’m addicted to you, it means I’m addicted to love and the pain it brings. Even the falling leaf reminds me of us. We are that leaf. Fragile and falling hopelessly, inevitable.

And so I tried to runaway. But every road and street i ran to, always bring me back to the thought of you. I travel to forget us. But every city I go, I can only imagine sharing the view with you, while holding your hand. Every street, every road, every coffee shops remind me of you. I hide inside my heart, and you’re there too. You know what hurts the most? You’re happier with yourself than with me. It makes me think I’m not worth a penny. And, I remember how we talked about our future together. We did it often.

I watched the sun set the other day, and I remembered when you whispered softly to my ear, that you loved me.

Now, I'm watching the sun set and I tellin you, I do loving you and I don't want to look back in anger anylonger.

Do i believe in unconditional love? Yes, I do.

Is loving someone means you’re sacrificing? No. I do it willingly.

I do loving you unconditionaly, and I let you go as same as you did it to me.

We are the lovers who can't be together... Anymore.

.............................

I remember when you talked and called me and whispered in my ear ‘I love you. Marry me. Be mine.’ It was the best dream of my life. The 8 letters were never came out of my mouth. If only you knew how I wanted to say ‘I love you..” But … I choose to stay silent because I just can’t bear the thought and can’t afford of losing you and our friendship.

I should have known the idea of you love me back is a false hope. Yet I kept on hoping. And pretending. I almost love how we’re holding back and never show our feelings and pretend that we’re just a couple strangers. I almost love that. Almost. And that awesome effort I put to hide my feeling so I can see you everyday. Is it worth it? For now that’s all I have. So the answer is yes.

This unrequited love is fun. I smile and enjoy every second of the pain when we’re talking heart to heart. But … Why do I have to ruin something so perfect with fall in love? Why do i have this urge to make you mine? Why?

Do you know that every night i pray to God to make me stop loving you, dear best friend? When you hugged me and said ‘i’m your best friend’ i wanted to scream ‘our friendship is torturing me!’ You laughed the happy laugh. I laughed the bitter one. A laugh that didn’t even reach my eyes. And it’s .. okay.

Then this stupid question popped out of nowhere: If we’re never meant to be, then why did we have to meet at all?

I wish we could look at each other’ eyes and not look away. I wish Cupid would tear off his arrow from my heart.

Why can’t our friendship turns into something sweeter like … love relationship? This is a rhetorical question, so don’t answer it. The answer won’t do me any good. You know what would be a perfectly good day for me? The time I get to call you my lover. I don’t have the gut to say it out loud, and right now you don’t need to know, you are the perfect lover of my heart.

There’s lie in believe. I guess by now you know i lied when i said i don’t believe in love and i don’t love you. I was blinded by the sun. I thought we were having fun. And I thought someday you would realize, you are the one.

I miss the time when we were still friends before i perfectly ruined it by saying things i should not have said. At least, I love you. At least, I have the courage to say it to you. Even though you ran. And gone. I’m sorry.

There is no ‘I’ in love. But there’s ‘i’ in live. And I will live. Even in loneliness. And watching you from afar.

John Mayer was right. I had to choose between friends, lovers, or nothing. It was nothing after i said ‘i love you.”

Usually, I don’t let words hurt my feeling. That night, you came and stabbed me with your goodbye. When my expectation did not meet the reality, all I can do is walking away. Shattered.

#repost

Acceptance

I don't need someone I can go out with. I need someone I can go home to.

I don't need someone to talk about. I need someone to talk to.

I don't need you. I need us.

I don't need perfection. I need acceptance.